A Participation Trophy Wife Mows the Lawn And Doesn't Lose a Foot

How I overcame my hatred of heat and bugs to learn a basic domestic skill.

These hands were definitely not made for outdoor chores.

I've always wanted a pair of sheep. I have no explanation for this deep-rooted desire. I've never grown up on a farm, or tended to barnyard animals. After yesterday's adventures in landscaping, I'm giving the shepherding profession serious consideration.

So my dearest husband may be undergoing knee surgery late this summer. In our 12 years of marriage, he has worn many hats - the greatest of those being chief groundskeeper. He loves the outdoors, so really, our relationship dovetails beautifully in this department.

As for me, well, I am allergic to the outdoors. No seriously, I really hate being outside, unless it's in a pool sipping a daiquiri. I am an all-you-can-eat-buffet for bugs, including Kentucky's second greatest natural resource - mosquitoes. In the unlikely event of a zombie apocalypse, I'll make it three days without air conditioning, and that's a stretch.

Until the motherland of Texas called our best friend Kristi home a few years ago, we had a beautiful arrangement. Whenever the hubby felt like doing his Ron Swanson things, we would call my self-appointed stunt double Kristi to stand in for me. Both enjoy spending time being one with mother nature, whether that's hiking, camping, or fishing. This would give me quality time with Mother Netflix. Everyone wins!

Weren't people in the middle ages revered for their pale skin, denoting they never worked outdoors? Let's bring that back.

So back to my disdain for the great outdoors. It occurred to me this week that the only thing that surpasses my hatred for under-boob sweat is the love I have for my husband. If he has knee surgery, he's going to schedule it for mid-winter, when in fact, he should just bite the bullet and have his knee surgery now. Our consultation appointment is next Tuesday, so fingers crossed.

I can be trusted to do something as simple as mow the lawn. I mean, how hard can it be? Women can do anything!

The hubby came home from work yesterday only to be greeted with his wife, fully dressed, and ready for yard work. Important to note - I'm usually in pajamas 24/7 if I'm not entertaining or will be seen in public. He gently reminded me about our favorite episode of Mad Men, and how if not careful, I truly could lose a foot. If you haven't seen that episode, here's a fun gif!

Wonder if that guy on the left finished his cake?

So off I went. And I'm going to be perfectly honest - it wasn't that bad! I could seriously do this weekly. I wouldn't want to, but it's nice to know I COULD do this.

A few of my first time lawn care observations. Yes, I am 40 years old and I have never mowed a lawn. So if you're like me, here's what you should know:

• Proper footwear is most likely the culprit in losing a foot. Next time I'll opt to wear something more supportive than ballet flats. I jumped off to grab my phone after I was finished and was terrified my toes would get sucked into the giant rotating foot monster.

Things must be ok in Gotham if Batman is now tending suburban lawns. So yay?

• Maybe consider putting on some sunscreen if you are pale like me. I was out for two hours and I am noticeably darker today. And on that note, you really need a hat. Luckily, my husband let me wear his prized Batman Yard Hat to beat the evening sun.

• We live on an acre and it was painfully slow. I now understand why men geek out about zero turn mowers and large-scale lawn equipment. On behalf of women everywhere, I'm really sorry for our resistance and general poor attitudes. Do what you need to do, guys. I'm on your side. My husband has carte blanche to buy whatever he wants with zero complaints from me.

• Apparently, leaving large clumps is frowned upon and there's a methodical geometrical pattern you should strive to obtain for optimal cut and finished look. Mowing in a circle because you can't master the reverse feature will get you "the look" by your seasoned groundskeeper. If in doubt, swing wide to resume your straight pattern. If you have a rider, it is not a bumper car, avoid all obstacles.

• If you're working outdoors, maybe consider something other than black career pants. They're going to get dirty.

• Believe it or not, your lawn is home to billions of flying insects who think your nostrils are an exclusive VIP club and they're dying to get in! Enact your own velvet rope and consider the health of your sinuses on this one. Maybe a beekeeper's hat. Literally, I drove with one hand on the wheel, and one hand batting away these tiny beasts.

• It is a good idea to understand the difference between the engine throttle and the gas. This prevents your groundskeeper from rushing across the yard because you're about to kill his transmission. If in doubt, leave everything running and ask.

Despite abject neglect and indifference on my part, these lilies are growing beautifully in my back yard!

• Having a chance to admire your beautiful home and now freshly mowed lawn will give you as much satisfaction as binge watching your favorite Hulu show. You'll be sweaty, but it's worth it.

• You'll discover things about your home you never knew, or maybe had forgotten. Case in point - the previous owner planted the most beautiful lilies in the back yard and I've never seen them!

• Last, but certainly not least, if your husband or partner has to go behind you with a weed-eater, you probably missed a spot, or in my case - LOTS of spots.

So that's the big scoop. Godspeed to you and the health of your lawn. I leave you with a beautiful panoramic of my handiwork. Maybe next year I'll have some sheep.

I don't think Better Homes and Gardens is going to give me a monthly column, but isn't this the perfect space for a couple of sheep?

Thanks for reading!

~ Christy