The Great Home Office/Writing Studio Remodel of 2019! (Chapter 2 - Channeling Matt Foley)

How we managed to stay married by renovating our home office ourselves.

If only I had a CB radio on this journey! Breaker 1-9, why won't this thing go even though I'm pressing the gas to the floor?

Whenever something goes terribly wrong in my life, I have one of two responses. I immediately make a disparaging face at the invisible documentary camera crew a la Jim Halpert in The Office, or I channel my inner Jerry Seinfeld and think, is this funny enough to share with others?

I'm sad to say 90% of my life is not even remotely comical, but it doesn't stop me from finding the humor in the most minute of daily activities.

When we set upon this fantastic voyage of home improvement (this you should read dripping with sarcasm, btw), we had that proverbial people at a crossroads moment. Should we tackle this project as a DIY Pinterest masterpiece, or should we save our sanity and just hire a professional?

After our first contractor hit us with a $6,000 estimate, my husband channeled his inner George Costanza to remind us the consequences of not following our rigorous Dave Ramsey baby steps. SERENITY NOW! A bit dramatic, but he doesn't get up in arms about many things in life, so I'll allow this one.

There's cheap and there's easy. When you're doing home improvement, good luck.

Faced with a surplus of taste and a shortage of bankroll, we did what any youngish suburbanites do - we hit up IKEA. Now for those of unfamiliar with the Scandinavian mega-chain, they specialize in low cost, highly-stylized pieces of furniture you get to assemble yourself. Yes, kids, what better way to build marital harmony that by holding a piece of a furniture while your better half looks at a picture book of assembly instructions?

The real problems with self-assembly are the extremely heavy and ridiculously long boxes in which these pieces are sold, and your typical crossover SUV isn't going to cut it. After our first walk-through of adult candyland, we wisely rented a large cargo van to assist us in getting our dream furniture from the West Chester, Ohio store (north of Cincinnati), to our home. Important to note - IKEA does offer home delivery, but they're not willing to drive it 2 1/2 hours away. I asked.

Sunday afternoon, I made a reservation with Home Depot for a fuel-efficient cargo van. Ordinarily, one would assume a large box truck but would be needed, but on the IKEA app, you can get the exact dimensions of how they're boxed. Our shopping list included two tall bookcases, two desks, a filing cabinet, and anything else that suited our fancy. At this price, the husband was willing to indulge my vision a bit.

On Monday morning, Home Depot had other plans. Despite reserving a cargo van, they placed us in a giant box truck, which, I must add, did not go over well with yours truly.

It brought to mind that Seinfeld episode in which Jerry and Elaine were renting a car, and despite a reservation, the rental company ran out of cars. I think I actually uttered the phrase, "Anyone can just take a reservation!!!"

You might be thinking you've stumbled upon a bitter diatribe on Richworldproblems.com, but I assure you, it was a big deal.

1. Rental vehicles charge not just a daily fee, but a per-mile fee. Hence, larger vehicle, more expensive per mile. Our trip was 165 miles one way. A $250 estimate online had suddenly morphed into $400 UP FRONT at Home Depot. Oh boy. GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET! As is Dave Ramsey...

2. Ever driven a moving van? Good luck merging into congested traffic. We not only fought Louisville, but Cincinnati. Boy was that so much fun! I'd like to report I was honked at only once.

3. The bigger the vehicle, the more uncomfortable the ride. I literally felt like my fillings were being rattled out of my teeth.

4. And lastly, if it beeps when you back up, yikes!

So after the bait and switch from Home Depot, the customer service agent was nice enough to give me the direct line for the main Penske regional headquarters, explaining her inventory is what she has, and they prefer to substitute rather than drive a specific vehicle to a customer.

After a quick call to the Penske headquarters, where manners and customer service go much further than yelling, we were promised the actual vehicle we reserved, and hey, they even finagled the paperwork so we could drop if off back to our local Home Depot.

Behold my noble steed! Yeah, they wouldn't let me drive this.

A quick 45 minutes later, we arrived at their headquarters in Louisville and I was met with the most glorious sight known to man. A Krispy Kreme delivery truck!

I instantly rethought my stance of box trucks. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to lie in the back of the truck and breathe in the sweet goodness for hours. I was willing to pay an extra day for that privilege.

I hoped against hope they would let me rent it, but alas, it was not to be. And yes, I asked...twice.

We hopped aboard our tenement on wheels and something extraordinary happened. I was suddenly overcome with 90s SNL nostalgia!

Does anyone remember the famed SNL actor Chris Farley? Many people might gravitate to his full of passion, short of pecs aspiring Chippendale's dancer, (opposite of the other great classic icon from my youth, Patrick Swayze), as their favorite character. For me, there is only one of his characters that resonates above the rest.

I will always remember him as the 90s originator of the scared straight movement, Teen Motivational Speaker Matt Foley. This guy should have indulged in way less caffeine considering how many coffee tables he ended up breaking during his passionate speeches and belt adjustments. His favorite expression, repeated in every sketch, is legendary and I find myself repeating it anytime I see a large commercial vehicle on the road. See the gif and imagine the hostility in his voice! Aww...such simpler times.

Seriously though, cargo vans are incredibly spacious! I really think you could live in one down by the river. They also are way more fuel efficient and lower cost per mile, so if you don't own a pickup truck, consider renting one of these for your next small-scale project. Disclaimer: Basic physics prevent this vehicle from exceeding 75 miles per hour, so maybe don't pick the left lane for your journey. Personal experience talking.

My actual noble steed with the world's greatest air conditioner ever created by the hands of men.

We set out on our Swedish adventure with our fillings securely intact, ready to haul and assemble my precious and meticulously agonized-over vision!

The first time we visited IKEA, we obviously indulged in the Swedish Meatballs, and friends, we need to talk.

There are experiences you should have once in your life, because that's what's expected of social norms. Like going to Disney, buying a tacky souvenir at a beach shop, or indulging in a regionally-acclaimed dish (unless it's Rocky Mountain Oysters or Lamb Fries). On rare occasions, you'll be blessed with life changing experiences that make you reevaluate your happiness in a whole new spectrum. IKEA's Swedish Meatballs fall into the first category. I'm sorry, don't be disappointed if you live and die by the lingonberry sauce (which I did find delightful!), but mystery meat just isn't my thing. Hard pass on having that a second time.

I had a BBQ chicken wrap, and I promised my husband a piece of their apparently to-die-for chocolate cake.

With our bellies full, and our spirits high, we had no idea the horrors that awaited us. We made our way through the labyrinth of their showroom only to realize we liked one style of desk way more than the other. We quickly did the mental math, quite disappointed that we would have to use math in our adult lives, to be sure the dimensions would fit into our already carved in stone plans, and we were in luck!

So down to the marketplace we went. Many people get analysis-paralysis at this phase of their IKEA journey, but I must give a shout-out to their amazing app. It tells you where everything is located! For their behemoth (and intimidating) self-service furniture warehouse, the app will lead you to the exact aisle and cubby in which your parts are resting. Bonus feature - if it comes in more than one box, it will remind you to get all of them.

Ikea broke us. Momentarily.

Now I'd like to say that I had so expertly organized this excursion that my husband didn't have to criss-cross the furniture warehouse once, but that would be a bold-faced lie.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten to get our Havsta cabinet's glass doors, which means we did the Christopher Columbus that heavy hand-cart with our stuff.

By the end of our journey, I felt it. He felt it. I think the people around us felt it. We were whooped. And we still had to get this stuff into the cargo van AND unload it when we got home 2 1/2 hours later.

Ever heard the ear-piercing beep of a commercial vehicle in reverse? Try driving one. You'd like to think that it serves as a suitable warning for people not to be complete jerks and walk freely through a parking lot while you're backing up to the loading zone, but here we are again, living the dream.

Once we arrived home, I was so ready to get rid of Matt Foley's original tiny home. We unloaded the furniture, one agonizingly heavy box at a time.

Bob the Builder would like me to clarify he's not accepting projects for the foreseeable future. Apparently IKEA did break him.

And I really regretted not hiring someone to do this. My bruises concurred.

Once the last parcel was securely in the home office, my husband, Bob the Builder, got to work. He is such a complete overachiever, he got one entire desk assembled in the time it took me to get the cargo van back to the fine folks at Home Depot. Yes, they were delighted to have a cargo van back in their fleet. I even parked it at an angle to compliment the other trucks. Dedication.

So what's left? Oh, the big reveal, including *gasp* how much we spent in total! Spoiler alert - it's way less than you think. I guess that's a good thing because I don't think I'll ever get my sweet, adorable husband to every do anything like this ever again.

Chapter 3 will not exceed 75 miles per hour, even downhill, so check back Friday for the exciting and gripping conclusion of our Joanna Gaines-inspired, Hildi Santos Tomas-executed home improvement journey.

(and if you have no idea who Hildi is, this might help:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/the-5-most-wtf-room-makeovers-hildi-santo-tomas-did-on-tradi )

Thanks for reading!

~ Christy